


color of your heart

by TheThirdTemptationOfParis



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eyepocalypse, M/M, Panic Attacks, please Jonny Sims let them Be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:20:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24695146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheThirdTemptationOfParis/pseuds/TheThirdTemptationOfParis
Summary: “What color is your heart today?” Martin began asking not long after the Eye appeared in the sky. The typical ‘how are you’s and ‘how are you feeling’s just didn’t seem to cut it anymore. They’re what you ask someone in a still-turning world, a coworker or a friend you don’t speak to often, not the man you love who was used as a tool to bring about the apocalypse.It's not easy, being fully conscious of the apocalypse,
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84





	color of your heart

“What color is your heart today?” Martin began asking not long after the Eye appeared in the sky. The typical ‘how are you’s and ‘how are you feeling’s just didn’t seem to cut it anymore. They’re what you ask someone in a still-turning world, a coworker or a friend you don’t speak to often, not the man you love who was used as a tool to bring about the apocalypse. 

Jon seemed confused by the question, huffing out an incredulous, “What?” with a cocked eyebrow. 

“‘How are you’ doesn’t sound sufficient anymore, so I thought I’d ask a question that sounded more appropriate. You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, I just thought… I don’t know what I thought.” He placed the mug of lemon water (the closest thing they could get to tea) on the bedside table and turned to leave.

Jon’s hand shot out and caught Martin’s wrist before he could turn too far, “No, don’t… don’t go. It’s a good question, I just didn’t expect it. Sit down. I need to think how to answer.”

Martin did as he was asked, his hand instinctively sliding into Jon’s, their fingers lacing together. Small comforts, he told himself. Even the apocalypse can have its benefits. Jon sat there thinking for a few long moments, Martin could almost see the wheels physically turning in his head. 

“My heart is… grey today, I believe.”

“Why?”

Jon leaned toward him, placing his head on his shoulder, pulling Martin’s hand to his chest, “If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have told you blacker than black. If you would have asked me before all of this, I would have told you as blue as the sky because I felt so light from finally letting myself love you.”

Martin smiled and hummed, kissing Jon’s forehead, “Are you sure you’re not the poet in this relationship?”

“I’m sure. Though today, the fog and the darkness is lifting, but only slightly. Because, for whatever reason, you’re still here, and I have a reason to go on in whatever this is. I don’t know if Elias could have foreseen you still being here, but I think… I think the Eye knew and left you with me on purpose. I just don’t know what that means for the future.”

They both sat in silence for a while after that, Jon eventually curling closer to Martin, his breathing slowing that Martin almost thought he had fallen asleep for the first time since this all started. That was until he began tracing lazy circles over Martin’s chest.

“What color is your heart, Martin?” he asked, his voice quiet, hesitant.

Martin looked down at Jon, confusion clouding his eyes. He pulled Jon a bit closer, cradling him, as if the four walls around them were going to collapse at any moment, “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

Jon sat up then, capturing Martin’s face in his hands, “Martin, don’t do that.”

“Not doing anything. Lie back down.”

“Martin, look at me.”

Martin shook his head vigorously, knowing he had been caught out. He leaned into Jon’s chest, concealing his face.

Jon held him close, fingers slowly carding through the hair at the nape of his neck, “Martin, I love you so much, more than you can comprehend, so I’m going to tell you this and I want you to listen. Can you do that?” Martin nodded, “You don’t have to give all of yourself away for me to love you. You’re allowed to take care of yourself, allowed to feel.” He pulled Martin away from his chest, catching his eyes, “Dear heart, you. Are. Allowed.”

Tears flowed from Martin’s eyes, and he resumed his former position, arms wrapping tightly around Jon’s waist, holding on to him like he was a lifeline. Jon rocked slightly, gently shushing and reassuring him as he cried. He pressed his lips to Martin’s forehead and whispered again, “You are allowed.”

After the tears had subsided, Jon still holding Martin close, he asked again, “What color is your heart, my love?”

“It’s so black, Jon. I’m so scared. I was out there in the world when it started, and everything rushed in so fast, every single one of the fears, and I tried so hard not to let it overwhelm me because I knew I had to get back to you. And then as soon as I saw you, I knew. I knew that I needed to keep you close, keep you safe, that I couldn’t be afraid.” His chest heaved as he began to hyperventilate.

“Alright, dear heart, alright. Deep breaths, in and out with me, okay?” Jon leveled out his breathing, five seconds in, five seconds out, rubbing Martin’s back as their breaths synchronize, “You’re alright, my love. You’re alright. I’m right here.”

They stayed like that for several minutes as Martin’s breathing evened out, both of their hearts beating in time. Jon broke the silence not long after, “Alright?” Martin nodded, though he still didn’t pull away, “I’m sorry for pushing.”

Martin shook his head, “No, don’t apologize. I needed to talk about it. I know I’ve been so focused on you recently, I knew I was paying my dues for everything leading up to… you know. I’m sorry I let it get this far.”

Jon shook his head, kissed Martin’s forehead, eyelids, cheeks, and finally his lips, “You have nothing to repay. I’m going to sound like a broken record, but you’re allowed. You’re allowed.”

“Thank you. I love you, Jon.”

“I love you, too, dear heart. Let’s get some rest, alright?”

Martin nodded and let himself be led, curling tightly towards Jon, letting himself still be comforted. Jon stared at the curtains, wishing his glare would make its way to the Eye, his continued mantra of _not him, not him, not him._

The Eye did not look away.


End file.
